I’m assuming we’ve all watched a movie in the past ten-or-so years, so you’ll know exactly what I mean by the title of this blog post. Directors would love to have everyone believe that every time a woman takes a shower, she tilts her head back just so, letting the water run sensuously down her face while she clasps her hands behind her slender neck.
No shampooing, scrubbing, shaving or exfoliating ever actually occurs, she just stands there, surrounded by steamy glass and, at some point, a handsome fella with a lovely six-pack might step in and give her a cheeky hug.
Well, I hate to break it to ya, but none of that happens – ever. Here is what actually happens when a woman takes a shower:
I don’t know about you, but if I tip my head back and let my mouth drop open ever so slightly, I don’t look anything close to sexy because I’m too busy trying not to drown. You know what’s not a good look? Coughing up shower water.
What a concept, right? I know this may take some time to sink in, but just the act of standing around in some water doesn’t do a thing to actually clean you. So actually? These glam AF looking women probably smell pretty skanky, because it turns out they don’t even know what a loofah is.
Undoubtedly the worst part of showering is shaving. If the water is too hot, you end up getting an onset of the dizzies as you twist your head to check you’ve gotten rid of all your armpit fuzzies. And all that bending and turning and craning to make sure you’ve not left a nice big patch of ankle stubble? The worst! Back me up here and say I’m not the only one who’s ever gotten a lil bit of a cramp when trying to achieve a full and flawless shave?
Eh, maybe this is kind of gross, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures and you find that you simply do not have the time to shower and brush your teeth as two separate events in your day. What’s wrong with a little dental hygiene action in the shower? Absolutely bloody nothing.
Listen, sometimes you’re getting ready for a big night with the gals and logistically, you know that you need to start your pre-pre-drinks now in order to be the optimal level of buzzed for your pre-drinks. But also, you stank. The solution is very simple – shower drink! Pop your drink just outside of the shower on a ledge that can be easily reached, and reward yourself with a big gulp for every limb you have now rendered shiny and hairless.
No, not sultry, beautiful, still wearing your glamorous ballgown and oh gosh would you look at that, James Bond is here to get into the shower with me and wipe away my tears, crying (lookin’ at chu, Vesper Lynd), but a fancied a cry, didn’t want to draw attention to yourself, needed a shower anyway, wholly efficient shower-cry.
That scene in Easy A where Emma Stone blasts out a fabulous rendition of the Natasha Bedingfield smash-hit Pocket Full of Sunshine is no joke. Showers are for singing, loudly, with no shame. Did you think it was a coincidence that so many shower-based objects are the perfect stand-ins for a microphone? The shampoo bottles! The long-handled loofahs! The showerhead itself! That shower is your stage, baby, and it is your time to shine.